This is not exactly a subject I like talking about given my circumstances. I have had to deal with anxiety and monophobia for a good portion of my life and things haven't been easy. Even now, as I write this, I am sitting in my cluttered, unkept apartment alone because my fiance works the graveyard shift. I often can't sleep and I just sit here impatiently until he gets home. Its not out of dependency though. its more a matter of I can't sleep because I'm alone. I get anxious and worried that if I fall asleep while I'm alone that I'll leave the stove or the oven on and the house will burn down or I will stop breathing or something will happen or I will make a stupid mistake that I can't take care of by myself. I realize that its ridiculous, but my brain doesn't seem to think so. And coupled with the actual experiences I've had of something happening while John was at work and the rest of the world was asleep and I couldn't fix the problem. These experiences only added more fuel to my overwhelming anxiety.
I had mentioned in a previous post that I was at a very difficult point in my life. This is because I am always alone. I have no friends here in my hometown in Oklahoma. Because of that, I am either with John or completely alone. I hit a very dark point that I couldn't do anything about except wait for that dark cloud to pass. While the cloud hasn't fully passed over, I have at least given myself some time to enlighten myself on how I can better deal with my situation.
Having no friends to share my interests with I suddenly found myself not interested in them anymore. Fashion was just a hobby and food was a necessity rather than something to be enjoyed. Art was a profession and not a way of life. Religion was just a hindrance and all the more reason to believe in my failures. The trees stopped speaking to me and I stopped speaking to them. The world around me became monochrome until all of my color was gone.
I discovered this video a while back and wasn't sure what to make of it. I admit, I cried a little and then I seemed to of forgotten it. One night when I was alone I discovered it again, as if the Universe was trying to remind me that "alone was okay." Because of this I am going to set a goal for myself to be alone and to embrace it and to be happy with it.
Morning
I am going to learn to enjoy food again. I am going to sit out on my balcony while John is sleeping after his long night at work and admire the morning air while savoring a nice potato soup and cup of tea.
Afternoon
I am going to take myself out on a date. I don't care where. I'll probably just go on a walk and find a nice, secluded area away from people where I can sketch. I'm going to try and not worry about what strangers will think or even acknowledge the fact that I'm alone. I'm not going to think about how I have no friends to share my interests with- be it art or Lolita.
Evening
When I get home to spent the evening with John, I'm not even going to mention the fact that I was alone all day because being alone won't matter. What matters is what I learned about myself by being alone with my own person.
Some of you might be wondering why I am posting this on a blog that claims to be about fashion, food and subculture lifestyle. I am posting this for myself, firstly. And secondly, I am posting it because of the overwhelming number of Lolita's and other fashion groups who feel outcast by society because of their interests and appearance. Being alone is okay so long as you can be happy with yourself. Taking part in any particular subculture is difficult and personally demanding. Don't give up on it just because you don't have friends to share it with. If there's no one there, share it with yourself. You are your best audience.
"Because if you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is okay."
No comments:
Post a Comment